07jan07cinema
Ande Tamatar (Eggs n Tomatoes) Awards 2007
Just yesterday, I had an idea.. an excellent business idea : A 24 hour channel on bollywood film awards. Considering the number of award functions, I’m sure i can run a 24×7 channel and have enough footage for the whole year.
It took Dilip Kumar 8 years to get 8 awards for the best actor. Today, it takes 1 to get that many. Ridiculous, simply ridiculous – it seems like a fashion – “jeb mein bahut paisa hai.. chalo awards function shuru karen”. Have some brains guys (I’m talking to the organizers of shitty dime-a-dozen, no-one-cares award shows). Because of some people like you, the whole award things is a freakin’ joke.
I can’t imagine I actually took the pains to compile the list of all the awards and give my comments on them. For some of you who don’t know how bad the situation is, here’s some painful trivia:
1. Filmfare AwardsFilmfares are technologically the most advanced awards in the world. Seriously. You would not believe that they use a high fundoo computer program for determining their awards. Here is snippet of their computer program I found when I hacked into their system (confidential):
High tech, isn’t it? In fact, my 3 year old sister could probably guess the awards even without watching a single film. They normally have a package deal – Best Actor, Actress, Picture, and Director normally given to the same picture (Ek lo, teen muft). Someone needs to tell the jackasses behind the awards that box office success does not equate to a good picture. The Indian viewing public is stupid (Don was a hit and Omkara below average.. need I say more?) . And the fact that they are the Oscars of bollywood shows the state we are in. |
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2. Star Screen AwardsThe critics award. Probably the Golden Globe equivalent – the second most prestigious. I like them generally except for when the jury tries to be extra smart, eg 1995 Best Music – Rajesh Roshan for Karan Arjun AND NOT A R Rahman for Rangeela. Gosh.. they need to make sure deaf people do not make it to the jury. |
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3. IIFA AwardsThe reason they exist is that they are held outside India so C grade actors like Ashmit Patel and Rakhi Sawant (more like Z grade) can travel the world for free. On top of that, a star football match where hairy guys wearing knickers try to play ‘touch football’ (coz they are barely able to reach the football, a goal is given if they able touch it). And yes, they come up with the craziest of nominations – Janasheen for best picture, what a joke. But Bachchan is their brand ambassador and so I won’t say anything more. |
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4. Zee Cine AwardsSony TV telecasts Filmfare, Star does Star Screen, so how can Zee be left out. And yes, they are the family awards, why? Because the stars don’t bother to attend the awards and it is upto the family members to collect the awards on their behalf. Good for family bonding. And how can I forget, they give some of the most ridiculous awards – Eg. Shahrukh Khan given a special award for giving 2 hits in 2003 (Kal Ho Naa Ho and Chalte Chalte). What the heck on earth is that? |
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5. Sansui AwardsWhy do you exist, seriously, why? |
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6. GIFAI would have asked you the same question as #5, but I have another more important question to ask – why can’t you wait for the calendar year to finish before giving out awards. It’s like giving the world cup before the final is played. Please get some sense from somewhere. |
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7. Apsara AwardsTouted as the ‘Oscar’ of bollywood (well, they compete with Filmfare for that title), Apsara’s distinguishing factor is that it follows the lunar calendar, coming up with time periods like April 04 – Mar 05. What nonsense? And yes, the supposed ‘Oscars’, the last time I saw them, were held in a small dining hall of a hotel.. wooh, that’s big scale, yah? And when are they held next, you never know. They are second only to the monsoons when it comes to being erratic. |
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8. Bollywood Movie AwardsHolding awards outside India seems to be fashion. And by now you know why – a vacation on sponsor’s money for the whole industry. Bollywood Movie Awards are clearly the flag bearer of Indian awards. Just go to their site and you’ll know why. I think my 3 year old sister can make a better site if I taught her HTML for 20 minutes. And I have one request from those who visit, go to their contact us page and mail them a calendar as they have nominated Aashiq Banaya Aapne and Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna in the same year. |
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Well, that’s not all, there are more too and I could not be bothered about them. But at least now you know that next time you run out of ideas for your little sister’s birthday party, you can always have a film awards night to celebrate it.
My last few words of advice (some gyan) for all award shows:
- I hate the performances. I simply hate them. I see enough song and dance in every film; I don’t need stage shows. It takes you 5 hours to give 20 awards. Argh.. watching you all is a pain. If you like performances, have it after the awards so that I can sleep early on the night of the telecast.
- Best Actor in a comic role and Best Actor in a negative role are stupid awards. They were created in the days when Prem Chopra was always a bad guy and Mehmood was always the funny sidey. They were to honor these artists. Today, the film’s ‘hero’ can be a gunda (Omkara) or a terrorist (Fanaa). He can even have an affair (Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna). So the award for the comedian and the villian makes no sense today. If you still wanna keep them, have awards for the best actor in a tragic role, best mom, best dad, best item number girl, best chaprasi also.
- Instead of coming up with wild ideas to honor SRK (like ‘2 hits in one year’ award), make an award called SRK Award and just bloody give him the award.. ok!! (I am an SRK fan, by the way for those who hate me for saying this).
- I know sponsorships are nice, but please don’t over do it. It doesn’t sound nice when the most prestigious film award in the country is called something like ‘Fair and Lovely Filmfare Award’.
- Please follow the solar calendar when considering films for the awards.
- The awards are for Hindi movies, and not for actors of Indian origin only. So please don’t leave out foreign actors like you did in Lagaan.
- In a three-hero project, the bigger star is not always the only lead actor and the smaller stars (comparative terms I say) are not necessarily supporting actors. This logic is worse than the ‘dog ate my homework’ excuse. Eg. Yuva : Ajay lead actor, Abhishek and Vivek, supporting. Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham: Shahrukh lead actor, Bachchan and Hrithik, supporting. What nonsense! That also goes for 2 hero and 3+ hero projects by the way, jackasses!
That’s all from me. Hope some people got some gyan out of this and like nice boys and girls would promptly shut down their awards, because the only awards that matter are the new awards that I am starting this year – The Ande Tamatar Awards – honoring the best of Hindi Cinema.
Watch this space for more…muahhhh…
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Suresh Bhosle says...
well one thing for sure you have over exajarated for some awards…
well, let me start from Bollywood Movie Awards’ website.
i don’t think there is anything childish about it, it’s very simple yet elegant, and plus, where do you see Ashiq banaya apne and Kabhi Alvida Na kehna, and sir… the website is not using HTML, it’s using PHP And Flash, tell your little sister to make it 20 min lets see the results….
please check the website again… i think you are too excited to announce things…
Jaz says...
Bollywood Award shows are the worst. The only awards I have some respect for are the National Awards, but there also they often mess things up.
As far as this year goes, it better be Omkara, RDB or Munnabhai picking up the best film awards, choosing a Krrish, KANK, or Don over any of those will be insulting to the audience.
Pratyay says...
All bollywood awards are shit. Aamir is very much right at his decision not to attend these craps.
Anonymous says...
“So please don’t leave out foreign actors like you did in Lagaan.”
Suprised that you mention that, because Lagaan itself would likely not have won any awards if it weren’t for the oscar nom. This is because Aamir despises these things and never attends, so they would have gone with K3G instead. But because of the oscar nom they would looked real stupid going for anything other then Lagaan as it was the far superior movie.
Rohan says...
hi buddy… u mised the Sabsey Favourite Kaun Awards by Star …
Azi says...
Hi,
everything u wrote is absolutely true. how the hell in the world they give awards to the movies or actors. like hritik won the best actor for krish ( i guess in iifa awards. dont remember exactly) there were several other better film in which acting is the main factore not like krish where all u have to do is using some ropes and computer tricks and bla bla bla. i dont want to write more. just see oscars, how they giveawards. i never saw a hero in block busters like terminator, mission impossible, kind of movies got the best actor award. so please bollywood pundits, gurus do something about it.
thanx
riya says...
mother fukin site..go n die thts my wish to u
Nitesh says...
@riya
I’m not important enough to even wish death for.
Thanks a lot. I wish the same sometimes…!!
You know what, they say one wish in life is always fulfilled. Now for you if it happens to be this one, it won’t do you a lot of good, would it.. ?
I’d say save your wishes for better things
pooja says...
Riya i agree vid u i have never seen such a cheap community anywere.all these r bloody lies and a cheap,idiotic site……..
Nitesh says...
@pooja
I agree with you pooja..
This is one helluva idiotic site. But I don’t think there is any lie here. This blog is about opinions. Opinions can be wrong, but they can’t be called a lie.
As for the community being cheap, by commenting on this blog, you have become a part of it. Welcome to cheapness my dear..
gurpreet fucker says...
dude nitesh, u hv made a great site, i m enjoyin it very much and lemme tell u dat while going thru ur site, i thot that all u hv written were my opinions. but i did not know how to express them. but i must say that u hv expressed my feelings on ur site. but i m disagree with u on 1 thing. u liked OSO but for me, that movie was hell of a shit. on all other things, i m totallly agree with u.
and wat about the IBN7 award who gave away best movie award to CDI. i think TZP was a better contender. what do u think.
also i want to congratulate u on doing such a good work on site. its beautiful. good work dude, keep it up.
Nitesh says...
@gurpreet
The IBN award nominations were announced even before TZP was released. I don’t know why these morons can’t wait for the year to finish before having a voting like that. They included films from Dec 06 – Nov 07 which is simply atrocious.
Of all the films nominated, my favorite was Jab We Met. I don’t know why but I really really liked Jab We Met…
gurpreet fucker says...
for nitesh
yaa nitesh, right yaa, these ass holes dont even wait for the year to finish.even i loved jab we met. but for me, this years’s best movie after TZP is johny gaddar. and also dharma was a fantastic movie, hv u seen johny gaddar n dharma. if u hv,then i wud like to knw wat u feel abt both these movies. bye t.c.
gurpreet fucker says...
nitesh yaar
the screen awards nominations are out and DARSAHEEL SAFARY is not nominated in best actor’s category. so surely again, this one gonna go to SRK.
i knw that awards are not dat lucky to go in AAMIR’S hands but i seriously feel for darsheel who deserves the award for best actor rather than for best child actor. what do u think nitesh, plzz do rply yaa
Nitesh says...
@gurpreet
1. I have seen Johnny Gaddar and love it. I have not seen Dharam but I plan to see it this weekend. I get time for only 1 film a week.
2. I am uber pissed at the nominations.. Definitely SRK is going to get it. Its all for TRPs..!! I’m gonna write a post on it soon so stay tuned.. I am pretty angry for sure..!!
gurpreet fucker says...
for nitesh
ok dude, i vil b waiting for ur post
Anas says...
Hey buddy could u plz tell me why and where did salman went for in Sawariya, which left the girl alone? and why and from where did he came from to get the girl ? I honestly couldn’t understand that bit. could u plz let me know . and don’t u think salman is the shittest actor (in terms of acting not good body) of all time?
Actors, Actresses, and the Movies » Ande Tamatar (Eggs n Tomatoes) Awards 2007 Bollywood Byte says...
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yourock! says...
Instead of coming up with wild ideas to honor SRK (like ‘2 hits in one year’ award), make an award called SRK Award and just bloody give him the award.. ok!!
lol..I love this line..keep coming back to read it…and put up some new posts yaar..waiting!!
disappointed_fan says...
Nitesh, i agree with all u’ve said. I was an SRK fan, not anymore. He’s being made to feel like he’s God…when in reality he’s one great actor. And all this has got to his head. I want to see new and younger actors being encouraged instead – like Shahid Kapur for instance. Thought he did very well in JWM.