26dec07cinema
Why Should I Leave My Brain At Home?: Welcome Movie Un-Review
“We have made a very entertaining film. When you are going to the theatre, leave your brain at home. Don’t try to see logic. I’m sure you’ll forget all your troubles and enjoy the film”
BULLSHIT… God knows how many times have I heard this thing this year. Something like this was said before Partner, Heyy Babyy, Om Shanti Om, and Welcome.
My question is – why the f*** should I leave my brain at home. Not that I have a lot anyway, but why?
Till when would writers incapable of writing a coherent and logical script pretend to make a film to supposedly relieve us from all our troubles. My answer to these saints is, “ROT IN HELL YOU MORONS!”.
Hitch, Partner’s ‘inspiration’ (read as Scene By Scene rip off) did not come with that disclaimer. Then why Partner? Obviously the nuthead responsible for ‘Indianizing’ the story was no more skilled than my 3 year old sister is at making Tandoori Chicken.
Same goes for Welcome. This is how welcome was written:
Bazmee moron thought of some ’supposed’ funny sequences. He put them together and searched on IMDB for a Hollywood film that could string these trashy sequences together.. and TADA.. Welcome was born.
As a tribute to the movie, I have removed the ‘welcome’ sticker from my room door and have put it on my trash can.
Does comedy always need to be illogical and slapstick? No, but idiots like Aneez Bazmee know no better.
Take Hera Pheri for example. Was it completely illogical? NO it wasn’t. In fact it was a very intelligent comedy.
I’ll concede that Andaz Apna Apna, the greatest comedy in the universe (and beyond) was an illogical film. But it was a smart film. It was not a series of jokes strung together.
But well, our modern day comedies are just that. They give me more pain than relieve any.
Welcome for example. Consider these comic masterpieces:
- Akshay is driving and suddenly for no apparent reason the steering wheel comes off and the brakes fail (and he’s not even driving a Maruti 800). God damn it how many times do I need to see another of those scenes where an out of control car goes banging people on the streets. And tell me, why is there always an open-back truck standing perpendicular to the street when our hero has a car out of control?
- The last scene has a bunch of douchebags in a hut about to topple off a cliff. They keep running from one end to the other while the hut see-saws.. my God.. now that’s a cinematic masterpiece. I was puking blood by the time this scene finished.
- Paresh Rawal, who seems to be under a constant attack of epilepsy, is running from someone and falls on one naked girl after the other who take turns to slap him. Wow.. I’ve never seen anything like this before.
In short, Welcome is a collection of the most cliched and comic plots you’ll find on Earth.
Its an exercise in trash film-making.
And to all the incapable filmmakers – I won’t leave my brain at home, come what may. Because with you people, I don’t know what’ll be next.. leave your eyes at home, or ears at home, or heart, liver, lungs, pancreas at home.. or may be, just buy the ticket and stay home cos that’s better than wasting your three hours on the film anyway..
All I’ll say is:
Just make sure if you ever happen to see me, you’ve left your balls at home or else I’ll kick em.
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Exercise Balls » Why Should I leave My Brain At Home?: Welcome Movie Un-Review says...
[...] Here’s another interesting post I read today by Nitesh [...]
jayaram says...
Good one…sure reflects the quality of the film
Jainesh says...
Oooh!! Nitesh ko gussa kyun aata hai…
hmm…you seem to have pretty strong ideas and words to match too. Well, that’s the way the Industry functions dost. Here’s a typical situation where a writer has to write a scene.
*He opens his big shelf in his room and takes out a lot of DVDs which are sorted according to genre. Then he calls his assistant and gives him some of the DVDs.
Writer: I want a scene where the boy proposes to a girl
Assistant: yes sir…
The assistant is puzzled as he looks at the DVDs but he doesn’t say anything and just goes.
The writer prepares to watch the rest of the DVDs himself. He puts one on and presses the fast forward button. After some time into the movie.
Writer: (mutters) what an idiotic romantic comedy they’ve made…not even one proposal scene…shaa…wonder how it won the Oscar…
He takes that DVD out and puts in another one.
Just then the assistant comes
Asst: sir… I have the scene…
Writer: good…
The assistant narrates the scene and the writer likes it.
Writer: that’s good…fantastic…where did you get it from?
Asst: I just thought of it sir….
Writer: What?
Asst: I thought of the scene myself sir…
Writer: are you crazy? why’d you do that? and what did you do with the DVDs that I gave you?
Asst: I’ve kept it to watch later…
Writer: Idiot I gave them so that you can watch and give me an original scene.
Asst: huh? but what I wrote is original…
Writer: ‘made in India’ is never original… and who told you to write? have you ever seen me writing? you just watch the movies in fast forward and mark the required scene. We have to collect all these DVDs after marking different scenes and give it to the director… otherwise how do you think the driector will shoot the scene, you fool? or for that matter how will the cinematographer know what kind of frame he has to set and what kind of lighting and… oh forget it… you don’t know anything about cinema…. you need to learn a lot….
Asst: I got it sir…I know just such a scene…remember Partner? where Govinda proposes to Katrina…
Writer: aww, you idiot… improve your vocabulary… think big… think original…
Asst: I’m sorry sir…I rephrase…remember when Will Smith proposes to Eva Mendes………………*
(…and one more writer is sucked into the system)
What to do? Sad but true. We are like that only. Not that I would ever do anything of that sort ever. But you know what, its difficult….very difficult because writers are the least paid and least respected (Of course there are a few who give writers both). Anyway, more power to your clan. Pray that people like me also keep getting work so that we can work on some real original screenplays and stories for the audience. Or better still why don’t you write some stories? you do have a flair.
Jainesh says...
Nitesh says...
@Jainesh
Good one dude..
Though I doubt Bazmee is one of those that are thrown around by the industry.. I can understand smal time writers doing this.. but a high profile filmmaker like him doing this is pure blasphemy..
Jainesh says...
You don’t know nothing Nitesh…you don’t know nothing….
(Let me bring you in on a secret… the above scene is not a joke…or a figment of my imagination (I’m not as good as you). This has ACTUALLY happened and the writer in the above scene is not some small struggling writer like me but someone big)
Shhhhhhhhhhh….
Alpesh says...
And to all the incapable filmmakers – I won’t leave my brain at home, come what may. Because with you people, I don’t know what’ll be next.. leave your eyes at home, or ears at home, or heart, liver, lungs, pancreas at home.. or may be, just buy the ticket and stay home cos that’s better than wasting your three hours on the film anyway..
All I’ll say is:
Just make sure if you ever happen to see me, you’ve left your balls at home or else I’ll kick em.
,
i read few of your posts Nitesh, i am not a blooywood fan though use to read few of those mags sitting and waiting for a hair cut at barber’s shop. I’ll have to admit you write better than most of those bollywood journalist working for famous bollywood magazines.
Nitesh says...
@Jainesh
Wow dude.. I really wanna know who this writer is. Now you got me interested…
Alpesh says...
I could not help putting a link of this blog on Jainesh’s blog http://bollywood-desi-movies.blogspot.com/
Nitesh says...
@Alpesh
That’s very kind of you.
I’m a big fan of Rajeev Masand by the way. I think he’s the only honest film critic we have today. Every friday I wait with bated breath for his take on the new releases. He’s just awesome..!!
Sachin Shrestha says...
Yeah, Masand’s one credible critic even i look forward to every Friday.
Btw, again, a very good write up. It does make me angry too when hindi film directors consider the indian moviegoers incapable of appreciating anything besides cheap, sleazy, masala movies. They are anything but therapeutic.
Have you watched No Smoking though? I think it was highly original, intelligent and entertaining at the same time. I’d strongly recommend it if you haven’t seen it already.
Nitesh says...
@Sachin
I haven’t seen No Smoking yet. My friend totally recommended me not to see the film, so I didn’t. But after your recommendation, may be I should. I am a big Anurag Kashyap fan.
noizfactory says...
Well, it made me think about all the layers in the film and not just look at it at its face value. The story lends itself to multiple interpretations, so one may or may not like it. The film suffered from a bad promo though. Many people, i think, went in expecting run of the mill sleek bollywood thriller or something and probably thought that its a film about getting someone to kick his smoking habits. Sleek it is and it thrills at times too but at another level. Its extremely layered and well crafted too. For me it was a very interesting look into non conformity, individual freedom and the price we must pay to blend into the herd. Very original for an Indian film.
Looking forward to your reactions on the film.
noizfactory says...
^that was me
-Sachin Shrestha
Jainesh says...
Hmm… interesting views on No Smoking… you guys are going to kill me when you read my take on films directors who made films in 2007. Need your feedback guys. You can read it at http://bollywood-desi-movies.blogspot.com/
I have been totally inspired by Nitesh by the way.
@Nitesh- Sorry dost… no names…but yeah, someday somewhere when we meet or whatever, I shall tell you many more such interesting stories about Bollywood with names also probably. By the way, am still waiting for your feedback of my blog. (‘I appreciate your integrity…’ and all that is not feedback)
http://bollywood-desi-movies.blogspot.com/
Jainesh says...
From: http://bollywood-desi-movies.blogspot.com/
That was quick! Thanks. Yeah I guess we all like Aamir the way he is. Point taken. But let me fill you in on a secret. This post is good because I’ve been ‘inspired’ by a fellow blogger whose name starts with ‘N’ (No names, like I said)
Nitesh says...
@Sachin (noizfactory)
I saw No Smoking yesterday. I did not understand the film.
Remya says...
i am victim of seeing this movie in theater
I felt like crying seeing the comedy scenes.
Chuck The Name... says...
‘A’ ‘W’ ‘E’ ‘S’ ‘O’ ‘M’ ‘E’….
Even writing this word with apostrophes again and again was far more interesting than watching WELCOME.
And I just got a syndrome I believe,addiction to Nitesh’s Posts…keep writing till I find a cure