heartattack

OMG OMG.. Finally my dream came true and I got to spend a whole day with musician Numero Uno – his excellency Pritam Chakraborty.

Yes, it finally happened. I visited his house, his music studio.. ow wowowoww.. I still can’t believe it.

Don’t believe me? Huh, I knew it, you cynical morons!!

That’s why I took pictures.. !! He was so nice.. he showed me around his whole place.. showed me how he made music.. It was great..!!

I spent a day with Pritam, I spent a day with Pritam… Na Na Na Na Na Na.. Na Na Na Na Na Na…

Enjoy these pics, LOSERS.. hahaaaa!!

1. There was this giant world map on Pritam’s music room’s wall. I don’t know what this map is for. I’m guessing it’s a map of the places he has visited. But I don’t think he’s ever visited Lebanon or Indonesia.. who goes there anyway? Weird..!! If anyone can decipher this, please tell me.

2. Pritam also showed me the kind of technology that goes into modern music making. He walked me through this proprietary music making software called “Pritam’s Music Studio.” He claims it is the most advanced software out there. I donno why but I think I’ve seen the software somewhere… I hate these deja vu’s. Nevertheless I was quite impressed.. that’s some cool tech right there. (By the way.. lemme tell you a secret.. He was using a pirated version of Windows Vista.. heee heee…!!).

3. I had the honor to see some of Pritam’s personal notes, like the one above detailing the channel settings for some of Life In A Metro’s songs. I loved the album and it was great to see what went behind the making of the masterpiece. Not only is Pritam ‘ji’ hi-tech, he’s bloody organized.. Wow!!
Respect..!! (If you don’t know what channel settings are.. go die idiot!! Or go here : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stereophonic_sound).

4. When I was in Junior College, I tried learning the language of music. I found it uber hard and dropped the idea. So I always wondered if Music Composers actually wrote Music in the notation and all. Pritam says you can’t be a musician if you don’t know how to write music. He has even invested lakhs of rupees in a machine from Japan that helps him write music. He says a few other of his contemporaries have this machine too. This is what it looks like. Since by now I was feeling a little more comfortable, I joked that the machine looks like a photocopier. He laughed it off. That my friend is the measure of a true man – no matter how big you are, you can take jokes on you..!!

5. And finally.. I asked the man himself to play something for me on his guitar that he plays so well. And I clicked him.. In action! Must say I haven’t seen a guitar like his ever. Must be the super-pro variety…!! It had no strings only.. had some hi-fi buttons with something engraved on em..!! Whoa.. quite a site..!! Genius at work..!!

So that was it.. my dream coming true. At about 5pm, I had to leave. I wish I did not have to. But before leaving, I had something important to clear. My day wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t ask him that question, the question that bothers a true Pritam fan like me. So I asked:

“Pritam Ji, please don’t mind me asking this.. but I’ve heard a lot of stories recently that most of the music that you composed is ripped off from somewhere. Is that true?”

Pritam Ji looked disturbed. I had hurt him. But he remain composed and said:

“Nitesh.. you’ve been here with me for a whole day and I’ve shown you my house, my studio, my notes, my instruments, and I’ve walked you through my whole music creation process. Did you see anything that even remotely suggests that I copy my music from elsewhere..?”

I felt sorry for asking him that question, apologized, and as great a man as he is, he forgave me; he’s a giver.. he only knows how to give.. doesn’t take anything from anyone.

So friends. You have the proof right in front of your eyes in the form of these pictures.

I hope that now you’d stop accusing him of copying his music once and for all, and respect and honor the musical genius that Pirate’m, I mean Pritam, is.

LONG LIVE PRITAM..

Last night I read the winner’s list of the 2008 Nokia Screen Awards and boy, can there be a more predictable list? I mean my predictions after reading the nominations were almost 100% accurate. In fact, it makes me feel that the nominee list is a farce. The winners are decided before hand and 4 other idiots put there just to make a list.

As a tribute to that spirit, I am letting go of a separate post for the nominations and announcing the winners directly. But mind you, all nominees here are deserving and I did have problems choosing the winners.

Best Picture

• Black Friday
• Chak De India
• Dharm
• Jab We Met
• Taare Zameen Par

Best Actor (Male)

• Abhishek Bachchan – Guru
• Akshaye Khanna – Gandhi My Father
• Darsheel Safary – Taare Zameen Par
• Pankaj Kapur – Dharm
• Shah Rukh Khan – Chak De India

Best Actor (Female)

• Deepika Padukone – Om Shanti Om
• Kareena Kapoor – Jab We Met
• Katrina Kaif – Namastey London
• Jiah Khan – Nishabd
• Sonam Kapoor – Saawariya

Best Director

• Aamir Khan – Taare Zameen Par
• Bhavna Talwar – Dharm
• Imtiaz Ali – Jab We Met
• Shimit Amin – Chak De India
• Sriram Raghavan – Johnny Gaddaar

Best Story

• Amol Gupte – Taare Zameen Par
• Mani Ratnam – Guru
• Madhu Muttom – Bhool Bhulaiyaa
• Pooja Ladha Surti – Johnny Gaddaar
• Vibha Singh – Dharm

Best Supporting Actor (Male)

• Aamir Khan – Taare Zameen Par
• Darshan Zariwala – Gandhi My Father
• Mithun Chakraborty – Guru
• Vipin Sharma – Taare Zameen Par
• Zakhir Hussain – Johnny Gaddaar

Best Supporting Actor (Female)

• Amisha Patel – Bhool Bhulaiyaa
• Anjana Sukhlani – Salaam-E-Ishq
• Shreya Saran – Awaarapan
• Tisca Chopra – Taare Zameen Par
• Zehra Naqvi – Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal

Best Song

• Bandeh – Black Friday
• Jaage Hain – Guru
• Kash Laga – No Smoking
• Maa – Taare Zameen Par
• Yoon Shabnami – Saawariya

Best Music

• A R Rahman – Guru
• Himesh Reshammiya – Namastey London
• Monty – Saawariya
• Shankar Ehsaan Loy – Taare Zameen Par
• Vishal Shekhar – Om Shanti Om

Best Background Music

• A R Rahman – Guru
• Debajyoti Mishra – Dharm
• Daniel George – Johnny Gaddaar
• Shankar Ehsaan Loy – Salaam-E-Ishq
• Shantanu Moitra – Eklavya

Best Lyrics

• Gulzar – Jaage Hain / Guru
• Gulzar – Kash Laga / No Smoking
• Piyush Mishra – Bandeh / Black Friday
• Prasoon Joshi – Maa / Taare Zameen Par
• Prasoon Joshi – Taare Zameen Par / Taare Zameen Par

Best Singer (Male)

• A R Rahman – Jaage Hain / Guru
• Asheem Chakravarty – Bandeh / Black Friday
• Sonu Nigam – Bhaee Bhor / Dharm
• Shankar Mahadevan – Taare Zameen Par / Taare Zameen Par
• Amitabh Bachchan – Rozana / Nishabd

Best Singer (Female)

• Chitra – Jaage Hain / Guru
• Hamsika Iyer – Chanda Re / Eklavya
• Mayyam Toller – Mayya Mayya / Guru
• Richa Sharma – Daras Bina / Saawariya
• Rekha Bharadwaj – Phoonk De / No Smoking

Best Debut (Male)

• Darsheel Safary – Taare Zameen Par
• Ranbir Kapoor – Saawariya
• Neil Nitin Mukesh – Johnny Gaddaar
• Himesh Reshammiya – Aap Ka Surroor (He He.. Just for gags!!)

Best Debut (Female)

• Deepika Padukone – Om Shanti Om
• Jiah Khan – Nishabd
• Sagarika Ghatke – Chak De India
• Sonam Kapoor – Saawariya
• Zehra Naqvi – Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal

Best Trailer

• Saawariya (what a con job)
• Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal
• Taare Zameen Par
• Eklavya
• Salaam-E-Ishq

Worst Film

• Heyy Babyy
• Saawariya
• Salaam-E-Ishq
• Ta Ra Rum Pum
• Welcome

Worst Actor (Male)

• Abhishek Bachchan – Jhoom Barabar Jhoom (I have not seen the film, but wearing a hairband earns him an automatic nomination)
• Akshay Kumar – Welcome
• Himesh Reshammiya – Aap Kaa Surroor
• Saif Ali Khan – Ta Ra Rum Pum
• Salman Khan – Salaam-E-Ishq

Worst Actor (Female)

• Priyanka Chopra – Salaam-E-Ishq
• Rani Mukerjee – Laaga Chunari Mein Daag
• Rani Mukerjee – Ta Ra Rum Pum
• Vidya Balan – Heyy Babyy
• Vidya Balan – Bhool Bhulaiyaa

Most Nonsensical Lyrics

• Javed Akhtar – Dard-E-Disco / Om Shanti Om (nothing else comes close.. no point nominating any others)

Most Nonsensical Film Title

• Ta Ra Rum Pum (what the heck is that?)
• Aap Kaa Surroor – The Moviee – The Real Luv Storieeeeeee (all in the name of numerologggyyyiieee)
• Team – The Force
• Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag
• Shaka Laka Boom Boom (more a magician’s mantra than film name)

Xerox Award for the Best Picture

• Hitch (I mean Partner)…

Xerox Award for the Best Music Director

• Pritam Chakraborty with so far 14 tracks in the last year copied from music all the way from Egypt – Korea.. I say so far because we do not know the sources of the others yet. And yes my friends, the 14 include songs from Bhool Bhulaiyaa, Jab We Met, and Life In A Metro. Thanks to itwofs.com for documenting his research.

Congratulations to all the winners…!!

Dear All

Last year’s Ande Tamatar Awards were a stupendous success with over 100 people in the whole world reading the final list of winners. At this rate, I am sure that before mankind is annihilated by an asteroid, Ande Tamatar Awards would definitely become the most sought after awards in world cinema.

This year the awards will be given in the following categories:

1. Best Picture
2. Best Actor (Male)
3. Best Actor (Female)
4. Best Director (Male or Female. Farah Khan also eligible)
5. Best Story
6. Best Supporting Actor (Male)
7. Best Supporting Actor (Female)
8. Best Song
9. Best Music
10. Best Background Score
11. Best Lyrics
12. Best Playback Singer (Male)
13. Best Playback Singer (Female)
14. Best Debut (Male)
15. Best Debut (Female)
16. Best Trailer
17. Worst Picture
18. Worst Actor (Male)
19. Worst Actor (Female)
20. Worst Song that everyone else liked
21. Most Nonsensical Lyrics
22. Most Nonsensical Film Title
23. Shahrukh Khan Award (To be given to SRK every year so that I don’t have to think of a new weirdo award every year to give him, like Zee does, for eg. Award for 2 hits in a year, Fun entertainer of the year.. wtf does that mean, morons?).

We also have 2 awards sponsored by Xerox photocopiers (I told you the previous awards were a success. I have sponsorship now).

1. Xerox Best Film
2. Xerox Best Music

I’ve said this last year, but let me repeat some things about these prestigious awards once again:

• Acting is not the criteria for deciding the best actress and supporting actress awards.
• Best Actor in a comic role and negative role are stupid awards. An actor is an actor. Tragic, comic, positive, negative should not matter. If we want these awards then in 2008 we should also have awards like Best Actor in the role of a Hockey Coach, Best Actor in the role of an arts teacher.
• I know I have not seen all films, but just the fact that I considered a film unworthy of my time already disqualifies it from nominations (except for Music and actress awards )

Stay tuned for the nominees…

This post might be a little too much for some. Apologies, but I know no other way to write but to say what I am really thinking. So continue at your own risk.

————

Brilliant brilliant…!!! The awards season has started with the nominees for the 14th Screen Awards announced today.

I must admit that I puked blood when I read the nominations. I am pretty sure that the jury members were involved in a mass orgy while they were deciding the nominees for the awards because obviously the interest of Hindi Cinema was not on their minds.

First and foremost.. Darsheel Safary, better known as Ishaan Awasthi, has NOT BEEN NOMINATED in the best actor category. Instead, he has been nominated as the Best Child Actor. What nonsense on Earth is that? When a 64 year old Amitabh Bachchan can be nominated against a 20 something Shahid Kapur, why can’t an 11 year old be nominated alongside? Does the best Actor award come with the sign ADULT ONLY? The boy has also been left out from the Best Newcomer category..!!

I am sure the best actor nominees were decided based on who came to the minds of the jury while they were climaxing. I’m surprised none of them were pedophiles. I wish they are gang-raped by a bunch of monkeys.

That’s not all. In the best film category, Black Friday has been conveniently left out in favor of Om Shanti Om. First, to all the douchebags who can’t stop whining about how good Om Shani Om is and that I am being a moron by saying bad things about SRK and Farah Khan: “You jackasses.. I actually LIKED OSO. Read my review and shut the f*** up.”

My problem is that OSO is a good movie, but not worthy of a best film nomination because though entertaining, OSO is ordinary cinema. In fact, it is a step back for the industry that seemed to be progressing thanks to RDB and Lage Raho.

Black Friday is a path-breaking film and deserves the highest honors there are. Too bad it is pitied against TZP.

But actually think of it, in an industry where the biggest filmmakers do not take risks and work on formula with just moolah on their minds, it is only fair that the award shows for such an industry care not about quality per se, but TRPs and sponsorships…

If a deluge of shayari’s floating around the Internet as email forwards featuring as dialogs in Fanaa wasn’t enough, then to all the fans of ‘Return of Khiladi’ from OM SHANTI OM: Bollywood has done it again. Hollywood is passe; Internet is the industry’s new source of ‘inspiration’. Just check out this video, featured in CollegeHumor.com in 2004. I don’t know which film is it originally from. Looks like some European film. My respect for Farah Khan has now increased manifolds. Have to appreciate the lady director’s resourcefulness.

For the uninitiated, here is ‘our version’ of the video from OM SHANTI OM (Listen, I am protected by the Digital Millenium Copyright Act bullshit.. I did not upload this video on Youtube.. so don’t try to sue me).

Notice how even most of the camera angles are left ‘unchanged’…

Well done Farah.