heartattack

2008 has been a fantastic year for sports

• An Olympics that gave us the feats of Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt
• A Wimbledon that gave us arguably the best tennis game ever followed by a US open where a fallen hero silenced his doubters
• A nailbiting finish to the English Premier League and the Champion’s league
• The inaugural Indian Premier League that has changed the face of world cricket
• A Superbowl that gave us one of the most significant upsets in American Football history

And well, adding another feather to the cap of 2008 is the Singapore Grand Prix – the first after-dark race in the history of Formula 1. If any country could pull such a feat off, it had to be Singapore – a country that is synonymous to efficiency.

Singapore is the country version of Iridium when it comes to density. Carving out a race track from the city center in such a country is harder than getting Apple to approve you iPhone application. But well they did it, and in style. In fact, the circuit had a video-game..ish feel to it. 

The cars looked great under the lights. I wish the cheerleaders were as good..!!

The circuit itself was enough overdose of awesomeness, but the awesomeness did not stop there. The race itself bordered on the “Britney Spears” mark on my awesomeness scale.

First, Felipe Massa, starting on pole, opined that he’ll probably need more fuel than this car could contain – so he decided to take the fuel hose with the car. While that would have certainly made Doc Oc happy, the half-dragon-monster looking car did not go well with the high command and the already screwed driver was further penalized.

Secondly, Force India’s Adrian Sutil, admitting to self that he cannot get Force India even 1 point this season (how lousy can you get.. I think if I sent a team of trishaws to F1 I would have won at least 1 point this season), decided to aim for Felipe Massa instead of the checkered flag. Unfortunately for him, Massa was faster than the Titanic and avoided the collision. Sutil, the iceberg, did not. Wham!!

At the end of the day, Fernando Alonso triumphed. That guy is so talented that if he drove for my trishaw team, we might even win the F1. Here, he was helped not only by his unmatched talent and the “ever-so-reliable” French engineering (:P), but also by Mercedes. Yes, the safety cars were all Mercs. Lewis Hamilton will not be a happy man.

‘Twas great to see him on the podium receiving that winner’s trophy that, though looking like a structure made out of defunct xylophones, was indeed pretty. Again, Singapore perfectionism at work!!

I wonder, however, how much fine the Singapore government would have imposed on the winning drivers for spilling champagne on the streets (and on Ruben Barrichello, who accidently threw his gloves in the Singapore river while attempting a rockstar maneuver of throwing stuff at fans). My guess – $200 each, at least.. oh wait, 200 is for spitting.. maybe 300!

Welcome once again to the heartATTACK 99 SHOW – the show where you’ll know what some of the famous people really are.

Using our patented solution formula 99 which, when touched, leads to some chemical stuff inside one’s body, we bring out the real side of people!

Last time our guest was Ms Mamta Banerjee. This week, we have another important political figure – Mr Raj Thackeray. This time, we left a copy of “Marathi for Dummies” book dipped in formula 99 at our set entrance. As we expected, he picked it up and started reading immediately. And as expected, the potion started working!

Just as he said this, Rajji took out his purse (I knew he was gay) and smeared his face with white powder. He then took out his lipstick and in an almost devilish (what else do you expect) way, wore the bright red lipstick all around his lips. Before I could understand what was happening, he took out his Kaajal and made panda eyes with it. Epiphany!!!!! OMG OMG!!! RAJ Thackeray IS THE JOKER

Widow remarriage, organ transplant racket, corruption, superstition, land acquisition scam, electricity crisis – these are just some of the issues presented in Shyam Benegal’s masterpiece – Welcome to Sajjanpur. In the two and a half hour film (a tad too long, I must confess,) Master Chef Benegal manages to cook so many issues together so seamlessly that you cannot help but marvel at the genius of the man.

With the fortunate exception of Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na, recent comedies in Hindi cinema (thanks largely to Priyadarshan and Aneez Bazmee) can been essentially equated with a used diaper ( = full of shit.) But Welcome to Sajjanpur brings back sarite, dark comedy to our cinema, long forgotten post another masterpiece – Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron.

Sajjanpur is an important film. It is a film we all should watch because it puts faces to the news we see. We have all heard of the lack of educational qualifications of many of our national leaders, but when we actually see village politicians using thumbprints instead of signatures in Sajjanpur, the gravity of it all is suddenly brought before our eyes.

Similarly, we all hear about superstitious crap like having bad ’stars’ which make girls unfit for marriage. But when we see the beautiful Vindhya being married off to a dog to release her of the bad omen she is destined to bring to her husband, the absurdity of astrology and superstitions is glaringly obvious.

The funny thing about Sajjanpur is that if it were made 30 years ago, baring a couple of references to Shahrukh Khan and a scene with a cellphone, the script could have stayed essentially the same.

Well, I’d request one and all to watch Sajjanpur, I’m sure that you’ll come out of the theater smiling, but once the humor has faded, the film’s darkness will haunt you.

[image courtesy: bollywoodhungama.com]

If you are a consumer of any form of media – TV, radio, newsprint, internet, you’ll know that economically the world is in deep shit, thanks primarily to the fact that the US of A has a new bowling arcade where investment banks are being used as bowling pins.

Here is a quick recap of what has happened over the last couple of months:

• Bear Sterns, one of the largest global invest banks had to sell itself at $2 – less than the price of a Big Mac
• Lehman Brothers, a 158 year old financial institution beat Michael Jackson to bankruptcy
• Merill Lynch, another premiere global investment bank, had to sell itself to Bank of America to avoid the same fate as Lehman
• Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, 2 big financial institutions, brought neo-Communism to America when they were bought by the Federal Government to avoid a trip to the gutter
• AIG, the 18th largest company in the world and one the world’s larget insurance companies had to sell itself to the Federal Government to avoid claiming it’s own life insurance

Wow, don’t we have a story to tell our children/grandchildren..!!

The news media has

• spent more hours than John McCain has spent breathing
• used more ink than the amount of alcohol you need to drink in order to believe that the Mac is a better operating system
• dedicated more bandwidth than facebook has to dedicate to empower lifeless morons to frigging ‘poke’ one another

trying to analyze economically why this happened. But what many have missed that this is not a totally economic screwup. There is a cultural problem here which has manifested itself to the tragedy that we are witnessing.
America is a country that lives on credit. It is easier to get credit in the country than to find Paris Hilton in a tabloid. The greed of the financial instution forces them to give credit easily, and the easily available credit makes people spend more than what they earn. To complete the vicious cycle, overspending, spoilt individuals need more credit which makes the financial institutions salivate more than I do while watching Britney Spears music videos.

Just take these following examples:

• I went to the States in 2006. I got 2 unsolicited credit cards in my mail during my one year there. Both these credit cards boasted of liberal credit limits. Why send me the card? The bank guys think they are davinci’s descendents. There are a lot of hidden fees and penalties on these cards with interest free periods much shorter than the industry standard. They hope that my cranium is full of jelly beans instead of a brain and I would end up using the card. Like most human beings I would err at some point of time and end up accumulating a lot of fine. Yay! The bank will be rich.Here is the problem – I had less than 3 months remaining in the US when these cards were sent to me. In all probablities I may never have needed to come back to the States. I could have easily spent $1,000 on my American dream – hookers, and leave the country for good. Even worse, I could have done this TWICE. This is greed at its ugliest best. They are willing to risk $1000 for a $35 late fee they might earn from me.
• My friend and colleague Barack (not his real name, of course) lives on credit. He uses his monthly income to pay credit card bills of the previous month. It is not hard to see why he is in debt – he has his own house (not an apartment, a house – in California), 2 cars, large screen plasma TV with home theater system and he is not even working at a managerial position in his company.
• Another friend of mine, Osama (again, not his real name), owns as many as 6 credit cards. He uses one to pay for the other and the endless cycle assures that he can perpetually be in debt.
• The credit card debt in US is $2.56 trillian, with the credit card debt of an average household being over $8500 [Source: NYTimes].
• Earlier this year, a 5 year old was granted a credit card by Bank of America. Gosh! [Source: CBS].

I focus on credit cards because I believe we can all relate to them. The investment banks that we are talking about these days are guilty of the same crime. Instead of the credit card they give credit in many different forms. It is a fabric of their culture to spend more than what they earn, spend on the speculation of earning, and take risks by giving credit to people who obviously cannot pay.

While I do want to sympathize with these banks, let’s face the truth – this fate was their own calling. They deserved it. If you play with fire too much, you are bound to be smothered sooner or later. In fact, in my cruel opinion, this should have happened earlier for the benefit of one and all.

Now, I hope that the tanking of these banks is the wake up call the country needed to put its act together. I hope that the people and the financial institutions of America would now be more responsible with their money. I hope after this fall from grace, they’ll rise from the ashes. I tell you, if they can, all this shit would be totally worth it!

Welcome one and all to the heartATTACK 99 SHOW – a show where you’ll know what some of the famous people really are.

How do we do so? Well, we have developed a potion called formula 99 which, when touched, leads to some chemical stuff inside one’s body. This chemical stuff brings out the real side of people and forces them to speak the truth! This is a scientific breakthrough.

This week our guest is Ms Mamta Banerjee. We left a 1 rupee coin dipped in formula 99 at our set entrance. As we expected, she picked it up and kept it with her. And as expected, the potion started working!

So well my friends, I hope my interview showed the real Mamta Banerjee.. y’see, she is so not the BITCH everyone else thinks she is!! Tune in next week or whenever someone is stupid enough to come to our studio for an interview. Till then goodbye..