15sep08interview, people
Interview with Mamta Banerjee
Welcome one and all to the heartATTACK 99 SHOW – a show where you’ll know what some of the famous people really are.
How do we do so? Well, we have developed a potion called formula 99 which, when touched, leads to some chemical stuff inside one’s body. This chemical stuff brings out the real side of people and forces them to speak the truth! This is a scientific breakthrough.
This week our guest is Ms Mamta Banerjee. We left a 1 rupee coin dipped in formula 99 at our set entrance. As we expected, she picked it up and kept it with her. And as expected, the potion started working!
| Nitesh | Welcome to our studio Mamtaji. How are you!! |
| Mamta | I yam very happy. Looks like Tata is going to be out of West Bengal. We have won! |
| Nitesh | But why are you against the Nano anyway? |
| Mamta | You have no idea what a big scam this Nano is. The other day I was at this computer store to buy wires for the electric shock machine I need to use as part of treatment for some minor ailments. There I saw the Nano. That thing is even smaller than my brain. How are you going to fit 4 people in that thing? It has no wheels!! How will it run? This is one big scam.
What this also shows is that Tata has been secretly manufacturing the Nano somewhere else without telling us. That’s a betrayal. |
| Nitesh | Erm.. Mamtaji, that was not the Tata Nano that you saw. That was Apple iPod Nano, an MP3 player. Same name but a different product altogether – Just like Gulab Jamun and Kala Jamun are 2 different things. |
| Mamta | MP3 player? I have never heard of any sport called MP3 so how can there be a player? You young people think we old people are stupid. |
| Nitesh | No Mamtaji, I don’t judge a book by its cover. What you saw was a music player. Let me show it to you…
[I take out my iPod Nano and play Kanta Laga] |
| Mamta | [Relishing the song] This is goooood. You mean this is something else, not the Tata Nano? Hmm.. Well.. if that is the case then we will now protest against Tata for lowering the dignity of India by copying names from American products. I am sure the world is laughing at us while saying – “Look, India thinks America is better!” It is an insult to the whole country. |
| Nitesh | But Mamtaji, the car was very well received around the world. It was on primetime news on channels everywhere. This is a huge project for the country! |
| Mamta | You can’t fool me smarty pants. I watch international news too. I have never seen them mention Nano! |
| Nitesh | Which international news channel do you watch ma’am? |
| Mamta | Pogo ..! |
| Nitesh | Errrr..right, well.. back to the point of protest, I was under the impression that you were protesting against the lack of proper compensation for the farmers whose lands were acquired for the factory. I even got 20,000 email forwards crying out the same. |
| Mamta | Of course of course there was that too.. I almost forgot. Our party cares for the farmers.. All Tata was doing was to pay the farmers more than the market price. This is not enough. We want more! |
| Nitesh | What more do you want? |
| Mamta | We don’t know yet. We thought about asking for free Tata Sky connections for every hut, but then decided against it because we thought the dish won’t match the hut architecture. We are now contemplating complementary stay at the Taj for all farmers. |
| Nitesh | Wow.. good to see that you know exactly what the poor farmers want. But what puzzles me is that since you have not decided on what to ask for, what did you and Ratan Tata discuss in the meeting the other day that was not so fruitful? |
| Mamta | [Slightly emotional] As compensation, I wanted Ratan Tata to marry me. I wanted to take care of his children Tito and Tango.. weird names I must say. |
| Nitesh | What did he say? |
| Mamta | [Weeping] He said that though I fit the bill for the mother of Tito and Tango perfectly, he cannot marry me. I thanked him for the compliment but was heartbroken. |
| Nitesh | Erm, don’t you know that he is a bachelor and Tito and Tango are actually German.. |
| Mamta | [Interrupting] Please shut up.. I am a modern girl. I am ok with pre-marital affairs and children out of wedlock. Everyone has them these days. I am not old in my thinking. I am quite modern! |
| Nitesh | Ok ok.. well you say you are modern! But then you also said that the jobs created as a result of the factory will be much less than the jobs lost. Now I don’t think that is modern thinking at all. Over a period of time, there will actually be more employment. And even in the short run, don’t you think it is better for a family to have 1 man making 50 rupees a day than 4 men making 10 each? |
| Mamta | Niteshji, unlike me, you don’t do your research properly. When did we say the jobs lost will be of our farmers? See boy, we are a party for the poor. If poor people start progressing, what will happen to our party people? They’ll be out of jobs. We can’t let anyone destroy poverty like that and take our jobs away. |
| Nitesh | Well, sorry for my lack of research! There is also an accusation against you that you purposely chose to create a racket last minute so that Tata has no choice but to accept your demands.. something like asking for dowry AT the wedding ceremony. |
| Mamta | Niteshji, I went to the store just a month back. I can’t help it if I did not need the wires earlier! What do you expect me to do? Go around the market everyday looking for evidence? Why are you asking me such unreasonable and such unresearched questions? |
| Nitesh | Mamtaji, don’t be angry. All right all right, I have been asking you some very difficult questions. Now I won’t be mean and compliment you that I am very proud of you for fasting for so many days. How did you manage to do that? |
| Mamta | Hehe.. thank you thank you. Well it is easy. I had like 12 servings of my favorite food the day before. It’s real high energy food. Once you have so much of it, you won’t need to eat for many days. |
| Nitesh | What food is that? Fish and rice? |
| Mamta | Naah, that’s for old people. I love to eat Royal Canine Milk and Meat. You should try it too. In fact you should get your whole family to eat it. |
| Nitesh | Erm.. Mamtaji, there is someone in my house that eats Royal Canine Milk and Meat, but I don’t think it is meant for my whole family.. I mean Royal Canine, afterall, is … |
| Mamta | …expensive. Yes I know it is. You are not as rich as I am. Maybe some day you will be. Tell you what, join us, you’ll be rich in no time. |
| Nitesh | Thanks for the offer Mamtaji, but let’s go back to the point – now companies like DLF, Satyam, and Infosys have expressed a desire to cancel all future plans in West Bengal because of the ruckus created by you people over Nano. Don’t you think you should concede here to not impede Bengal’s progress? |
| Mamta | Well I want to assure all these companies that Bengal is safe for them as long as they don’t intend to eradicate poverty. As for conceding now, we can’t do that. It’s an ego issue. But well, we Bengalis are very forgiving people. If Tata wants to come back to setup a factory for their other new car, what’s the name.. er.. yeah, Indica Vista, we can consider their case again. |
| Nitesh | Indica VISTA.. ahem.. well I don’t think Tata will want to come back, but if they are foolish enough to do so, I ask of you to please stay off computer stores this time..!! |
So well my friends, I hope my interview showed the real Mamta Banerjee.. y’see, she is so not the BITCH everyone else thinks she is!! Tune in next week or whenever someone is stupid enough to come to our studio for an interview. Till then goodbye..
| Nitesh | [unwaware that the camera is still rolling] O’ right Mamtaji, show’s over. I can play frisbee with you now. |