heartattack

For the past few months, I have been hearing a lot of talk about our bollywood stars going to hollywood.

• Aish recently shot for Pink Panther 2.
• Hrithik Roshan has been signed by some big shot hollywood firm.
• SRK said in an interview recently that he was indeed approached by a few Hollywood directors.

So well, I thought that if some of the topmost hollywood films were made with Indian stars, how would they look like? Here is my imagination:

1. Titanic: Ranbir Kapoor and Sonam Kapoor

Well though Saawariya was a piece of shit, these two kids are easily the romantic couple of the season.

 

2. 300: Sunny Deol

Who else can kill an army by himself?

 

3. Casion Royale: Akshay Kumar and Katrina Kaif

Akshay can fight and Akshay can seduce women. Need I say more? And well the only beauty that comes close to Eva Green (phew..!!) is Katrina…

 

4. The Matrix: Hrithik Roshan, Sanjay Dutt, Lara Dutta, and Kay Kay

Hrithik is the industry’s only superhero; Sanjay Dutt looks uber cool in glasses; Lara Dutta looks like a girl who can kick some ass; and Kay Kay is the best baddy we have today.

5. Brokeback Mountain: Shahrukh Khan and Karan Johar

Brokeback Mountain is a story about 2 gays.. hmm..hmm…!!

 

 

There were many more running through my mind, but in the interest of time I stuck to just 5. If I do get to photoshopping some other day, I’ll make more of these.

So now it is your turn to speak. If there are any of such posters that you want to see, please let me know. Also, if there is something you like/dislike about these pictures, again let me know.

Dear All

There are bad films (like Heyy Babyy), there are atrocious films (like Devdas) and there are films which are so bad that using an adjective for them is an insult to the adjective. Saawariya falls in that category. To be honest, it is not a big surprise as I think the Sanjay Leela Bhansali is the most overrated director in India with Kunal Kohli a distant second.

Well, behind every disaster there is a great story and Saawariya is no exception. I’m sure you wanna know that and I am putting it down here exclusively for you people:

(SLB = Sanjay Leela Bhansali

CP = Columbia Pictures

SK = Sonam Kapoor

RK = Ranbir Kapoor )

DAY 1

CP: We want to make a movie in India. Will you make it for us?

SLB: Sure, why not?

CP: Do you have a story?

SLB: Not yet, but I can look for one on Wikipedia and get back to you tomorrow.

CP: Huh? Why Wikipedia?

SLB: That’s cos I have tried lifting off bollywood and hollywood before. I like new challenges.

DAY 2

CP: Did you find anything?

SLB: Yes, I found a short story called ‘White Nights’ by some guy whose name I can’t pronounce.

CP: Ok.. but how can you make a full length feature film from this short story?

SLB: I’ve thought through that. I’ll put 11 songs in it. That’s about 70 minutes wasted. Plus I’ll put some long drawn dialogs into it that would have no relevance to the story whatsoever. We’ll make em sound profound so that people think they are witnessing the work of a genius. That’ll waste another 30 minutes. And then the main story would be 30 more minutes and we’ll have our feature film.

CP: That’s ridiculous, you think you can get away with that?

SLB: Well, I got away with Devdas, didn’t I?

CP: Oh ya, you’re right. Devdas was a piece of shit. And I read on the Internet that it won many awards. It was India’s entry to the Oscars too. It seems you have perfected the art of fooling people.

SLB: That’s easy mate! See I make sure that my film gives an impression of a good film. I do that by making opulent sets and thunderous background music. People think they are witnessing the work of a genius. Those who don’t like the movie actually feel ashamed cos they think they don’t have enough brains to admire a piece of art. So they want to pretend that they like the movie. To make it commercial, I cast the biggest names in the industry. That guarantees a good opening. So before people listen to their conscience and admit that it is a bad movie, the movie makes money.

CP: Ok then, how much money do you need?

SLB: 40 crores should be enough.

CP: All right, deal.

DAY 10

SLB: I need more money.

CP: What the heck, why?

SLB: I spent all the money on making blue sets with rivers and gondolas and neon lights. We spent 30 crores on blue paint itself.

CP: Listen dude, we’re a hollywood studio, we don’t increase budgets just like that. You’ll have to stick to 40 crores.

SLB: Shit, but I am yet to cast any big star for my film.

CP: Then get newbies. You are a big director. They wont charge anything to work with you.

SLB: No one will come and see my film then.

CP: Get star kids.

SLB: Hmm.. lets see who’s available. But I don’t have a dialog writer.

CP: Get any idiot who can make stupid things sound profound.

SLB: Ok. What about Music Director.

CP: Again, get a newbie who’s good but won’t charge much.

DAY 11

SLB: Ok, so I got this boy Ranbir. But I can’t find a star daughter. The only one I know of is Anil Kapoor’s daughter Sonam but she’s 100 kilos. I’ve asked her to lose weight. Let’s see how things end up. I’m financing her weight-loss program.

CP: You’ll have to do that from your pocket

SLB: Shit!

DAY 20, Shooting Day 1

SLB: Ok now.. today we are going to shoot all the songs.. this means about 60% of the film. Ok? We’ll shoot the other 40% tomorrow. We don’t have the budget to shoot for a lot of days. Also, the blue paint is gonna come off soon.

The Crew: Ok

SLB: All right, I want all the hookers to dress up in colorful sarees and dance for songs ‘pari’ and ‘chabeela’. Ok?

The Crew: That so sucks.

SLB: Shut up. For the ‘masha-allah’ song Sonam can you just run around?

SK: Who am I running from?

SLB: Not important. It’s all for the artsy effect. I’m an artist.. Muaaaahhahaaa.

SK: Ok Bhansali Sir, whatever you say! I’m your slave.

SLB: And Sonam, for the ‘Jabse Tere Naina’ song, I want you to bare your butt. Also for the sake of art!! I’m an artist.. Muaaahaaaaa.

SK: (crying..) Sorry Bhansali sir, I have saggy skin there from all the weight loss. I can’t do it.

SLB: That sucks. Ok never mind.. Ranbir.. I want you to bare your butt then. I want to show someone’s butt. All for the sake of art. I’m an artist.. Muahaaaaahaa..

RK: Whatever you say Bhansali Sir. You’re a genius. I’m your slave too.

SLB: Ok then.. go watch ‘Mere Khwabon Mein Jo Aaye’ from DDLJ. We’ll film the song like that.

DAY 21: Shooting Day 2

SLB: You guys did well yesterday. Now we are only left with the scenes. Ok Ranbir and Sonam are you ready?

RK and SK (in chorus while showing off their ‘we love SLB’ tattoos): Yes Sir.

SLB: So the first scene is that the boy tells the girl he can’t live without her. Then he goes home and tells his land lady that he loves this girl. Then the land lady asks him to express his feelings for her.

SK: Wait, didn’t he already tell the girl that he can’t live without her?

SLB: Yes, but that’s really not expressing your romantic feeling.

SK: Wtf, of course it is.

SLB: Not in my movies. It’s for the sake of art. I’m an artist… Muahaaaaa

SK: Sir, you’re a genius, I’m your slave.

–

SLB: Ok Ranbir in this scene, you are looking for a place to stay but you have no money. You go to Zohra aunty, give her a hug, and she lets you stay. Ok?

RK: Wow sir, what a vision. You’re an artist!

SLB: I know.. Muahaaaa..

DAY 25: Editing Day

SLB: Look at that scene, beautiful. Let me put that in somewhere.

CP: But that scene doesn’t relate to the story in anyway.

SLB: Ha.. that’s the scene I use to fool people to believe that this film is a work of art..

CP: Ok.

DAY 40: Publicity Planning

CP: We’ve decided to put in 20 crores for the publicity.

SLB: What the heck. If you would have given me those 20 crores to cast SRK, you wouldn’t need to spend on publicity you moron. Anyway, what is the plan?

CP: We are thinking of releasing the video of one song per week for 11 weeks. That’ll increase curiosity as the release date comes close.

SLB: You moron, you want to release 60% of the film before the release?

CP: Oh I did not realize that. What do you want me to do?

SLB: I’ll take the most scenic scenes and put em together for trailer one. We’ll release just 3-4 songs after that. Then Ranbir and Sonam.. you need to cook up stories on how I am a genius and how well I treated you people, ok? And after that we’ll play our trump card.. the TOWEL..

CP: Great. You’re a genius. We’ll also put the two of you on our TV channel for a few shows.

RK and SK (in chorus wearing their ‘We love SLB’ caps): Yes sir.

After film’s premiere

SLB: Hey Anil, your eyes are baggy.. what happened?

Anil Kapoor: Erm Erm..it was an extremely emotional experience for me to see my daughter on screen. And wow, the movie was so sentimental, I cried so much that my eyes became baggy.

Anil Kapoor (to Rishi Kapoor): I asked you yaar to wake me up 30 minutes before the film ends. I get baggy eyes after I sleep prematurely.

Rishi Kapoor: Sorry yaar I slept myself.

Saawariya releases

Nitesh (watching 50 hookers dancing on screen): My eyes.. my eyes.. I can’t see..

———– END OF STORY ————

So guys and girls, that was the making of Saawariya the classic that it is. Hope you liked it.

Why did I watch this movie?

It is funny that I watched the film on the day of release considering that I absolutely hated Main Hoon Na, Farah Khan’s last venture, and I am not a huge fan of Shahrukh Khan the actor (though I am a fan of SRK the celebrity). In fact I dislike most of the films he’s done. So why did I see this film? Well, A, it releases on Deepavali which is a movie watching time. B, the promos of the film looked great and C, the music is phenomenal.

What is the movie about?

The film is so hyped, I’m sure all of you all know what it’s about.

Why should you watch it?

• They are showing the Taare Zameen Par theatrical trailer before the film
• It has Amisha Patel.
• Akshay Kumar rocks in his special appearance.
• The film makes fun of a lot of things about bollywood, like SRK’s sameness, Manoj Kumar’s style etc etc..
• It is Arjun Rampal’s first film where he shows more than one emotion.
• Mithundaa is dancing……… woohooo..
• The highly imaginative end credits.
• Deepika Padukone.
• Dialogs, especially SRK’s award acceptance speech.
• The Dhoom Taana song (no, not Deewanagi.. it wasn’t that great).
• Because this film has SRK on screen for 2h30m out of the 2h46m playing time.
• The film manages to tickle your funny bone on many many occasions.

What is the moral of the film?

• If you aren’t successful in realizing your dream, kill yourself; you might do it in the next life.

How are the performances?

Honestly, do you care? If you do then ok.. I think SRK was efficient. The role was written for him cos I know Farah and Johar cast SRK even before the scripting is done. So no real histrionics needed from him. Nevertheless he does well.

Padukone looks hot and I kept staring at her with a blank mind and so got no time to judge her acting.

Rampal is good as the baddy. Newsflash: He can act….!!!!

Kirron Kher irritates me. I feel like bashing her up. Kirron Kher is the modern day Nirupa Roy. I hated her in RDB, Fanaa, Hum Tum, KANK.. she grates on my nerves. Anupam, you should have kept her at home..!!

Shreyas is awesome. Seriously it’s hard to be that confident with SRK around but the boy does beautifully well.

Akshay Kumar, for me, is the star of the show. The 5 minutes he’s on the screen are simply hilarious.. Akshay is this country’s greatest rockstar, I tell you.

What could’ve been better?

Well the problem with the film is that it is trying to show a little too much in too little time. The second half seems uber rushed. The best parts of a reincarnation film, IMHO, are the parts where the guy in the new life is slowly reminded of his previous life – like in Karz (a classic) where the guy plays a tune he played in his last life, or in Karan Arjun where Salman randomly bursts into ‘Bhaag Arjun..’. Wow those are the moments. Such great moments are missing in OSO just cos there is little time. The previous lives contributed to a small fraction of the screen time in Karz and Karan Arjun and so the director could afford to unfold the truth slowly. In OSO, Farah doesn’t have this luxury as the first life is half the film. But I like SRK’s fear of fire and him giving the acceptance speech he prepared in his previous life. There aren’t enough such moments. One fine day he meets Rampal and whoom… he remembers everything. I didn’t like the sudden spark of knowledge. A slow unfolding would have been much better.

This also means that the first half is kinda draggy. Farah packs in as many jokes as possible in the first half at the expense of moving the story forward.

Final verdict?

OSO is a good movie. It is not a great movie because of the bad prioritization by the director, as mentioned above. However I fix little expectations from SRK films as they disappoint me more often than not, and so the film left me content at the end of it all. I am a fan of all kinds of cinema and certainly don’t mind masala films, but I hope that SRK and his film production company, after making 100 crores from this film, would go into braver films. I love the SRK of Swades, Chak De India, and Baadshah.. the SRK of Veer-Zaara, KANK, and OSO bores me.

Score: 6.5/10

SRK has been very happy with the response to OSO. So here is an exclusive message from SRK to all his fans, only on bollywoodbyte.

Dearest Aamir

I just saw the TZP trailer for the 18th time, and before you release the new trailer, I would have probably watched it at least 40 more times. I watched the Mangal Pandey trailers about 200 times before the film released.

As someone correctly said on your blog, in times where every filmmaker wants his heroes and heroines to wear Prada and Gucci, and wants to shoot his films in nothing less than London and New York (as if Indians in India have no interesting lives), you dare to make a film about children.

You probably know that children-centric films have not had a good time in our industry of late. Nanhe Jaisalmer and Chain Khuli Ki Main Khuli bombed recently. Even the ambitious Raju Chacha with big stars tanked not too long back.

But, of course, when have you thought of all that. Following norms has never been your cup-of-tea.

You made Lagaan when cricket and a period setting were both taboos in our industry.

You worked with Ashutosh Gowarikar when he had 2 flops behind him and was rejected by one and all. You worked with Rakeysh Mehra when he had only a flop Aks in his resume. And on both occasions you made probably the best film in the history of Indian Cinema.

You refused invites from Koffee with Karan, a show celebrities would give their right hand to appear in (or may be the leg as they’d need the hand for Koffee); yet you showed up at some small talk-show at NDTV.

You don’t give interviews to the paparazzi, yet you spend over an hour video chatting with your fans on your website, answering all their questions.

You don’t go for the stupid dime-a-dozen award shows, but you went to voice the misery of the troubled farmers in the Narmada Valley.

While other actors made 3 films a year, you gave 3 years to one film at the height of your carrier.

While other actors are all over the media praising their films and do their best to keep media happy, you did not make a single media appearance before RDB just because you were angry with the media. Wow!

While other actors are endorsing everything from undergarments to hair-oil to chyawanprash, your endorsements can be counted on one finger – 3.

You have been the perennial trend setter of this age. Others followed, but never came close.

You sang ‘Aati Kya Khandala’ which became the anthem of the loafers countrywide. ‘Apun Bola’ (SRK) and ‘Aye Shivani’ (Sanjay Dutt) followed but left were hardly given a second listening.

You went to the border to entertain our soldiers. Others followed suit.

You started the whole trend of ‘looking the part’. Today, every actor seems to want to look different in every movie.

And well, you started a blog. Last I heard there were blogs by Anil Kapoor and SRK.

But in spite of that Aamir, or more appropriately, because of that Aamir, you are truly the country’s greatest superstar. You may not have the label of the ‘King’, or the temples with your statue in it, but you are indeed the greatest force in this industry.

How else would you explain the euphoria that surrounds your mere signing a film?

How else would you explain RDB being a blockbuster without you making a single public appearance for its publicity?

How else would you explain the craze to find out how Aamir Khan looks in his next film?

How else would you explain the fact that the caps, rings, or mufflers you wear grace the apparel stores nationwide? The barbers throughout the country need to learn how to make your current hairstyle if they want to stay in business? The lines you say are probably in the lexicons of every film-loving boy in the country? And the funny part is you never make an effort for any of the three to happen.

Now I hear Aamir that you are shaving your head for your new film. When has that been done before (Akshaye in Salaam-E-Ishq but that wasn’t intentional)? Not in my living memory! The barbers of India would have it easy this time

So Aamir Hussain Khan, take a bow! You are the greatest masterpiece in the museum of the Hindi Film Industry.

In the meantime, I’ll try to go into hypersleep mode as I really can’t wait for December 21, the day I get to see you in a Mohawk on the big screen.

Yours truly

Nitesh a.k.a Bollywood Byter

Here it is – the moment no one has been waiting for

The 1st Ande Tamatar Awards Winners

Best Picture
Rang De Basanti

Best Director
Rakeysh Mehra (Rang De Basanti)

Best Actor
Vikram (Aparichit)

Best Actress
Amisha Patel (Ankahee)

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Saif Ali Khan (Omkara)

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Shruti Seth (Fanaa)

Best Music
A R Rahman (Rang De Basanti)

Best Lyrics
Sayeed Quadri (Mujhe Mat Roko / Gangster)

Best Playback Singer (Male)
Sukhwinder Singh (Omkara / Omkara)

Best Playback Singer (Female)
Alisha Chinoi (Aaj Ki Raat / Don)

Best Background Score
A R Rahman (Rang De Basanti)

Best Debut (Male)
Upen Patel (36 China Town)

Best Debut (Female)
Kangana Ranaut

and and and and.. that is not the end there are a few other awards to be given out

Worst Picture
Don

Worst Director
Farhan Akhtar (Don)

Worst Actor
Shahrukh Khan (Don)

Worst Actress
Esha Deol (Ankahee)

Worst Music
Pritam, for ripping off 99.99% of his songs

Worst Lyrics
Gulzar (Humko Maloom Hai / Jaan-e-mann)

Worst Film Title
Mr 100% – The Real Player

Congratulations to all the winners