heartattack

They say “no man is an island” and sometimes being in India I wish this was untrue. I wish I could do everything myself – make my own electricity, have my own oil, own satellite into space for mobile connectivity, and own bank. The reason being – any kind of external interaction in this country brings me only frustration and headache. By external interaction, I mean, for example, opening a bank account, buying insurance, getting a haircut, buying a SIM etc etc.

In the last 3-4 months, I have, unfortunately, had the need to use these services and I am astonished at the lack of respect the companies offering these services have for their customers. My experiences have been so bad and so many that I’m forced to write a series of articles on them calling them the “Shame on you” series. I start with a probably unexpected contender – Standard Chartered (Stanchart) Bank.

Here is what happened:

I opened a savings account with Stanchart about 3 months back. Like most modern bank accounts I was entitled to a debit card with my account for which the bloody bank was charging me close to Rs 250 (USD 5) per annum. A month passed and no signs of the card. I called phone banking to register my complaint. After truckloads of promises and apologies, I was assured of a card in a week’s time. I didn’t get the card.

I called once more and again the same thing – apologies and promises. Still no card. I called a third time. Same thing. It was like a TV soap – same thing again and again. As luck would have it I got a call from some random female from the Stanchart survey department asking me about the extent of awesomeness of my banking experience. My guess is my call would be her last for the day.

So after a total of 4 complaints, still no sign of the card. Without a card these days, a bank account is as good as my personal piggy bank, minus the interest which is anyway offset by bank fines and fees (like fee for counting money for cash deposits – you are a bank, you f***ing morons, what else are you expected to do). In fact, Stanchart’s customer service number is not toll free so I spent like a 100 bucks on customer service calls.

Having had enough, I headed over to the bank to close my account. The reason I opened a Stanchart account was to avoid the headaches normally associated with public banks like SBI, and to avoid the evil of blood suckers like ICICI. Bravo, Stanchart has the worst of both – the inconvenience and evil both packaged in one. If this was SBI, I would have relented. Not here.

Of course, as Murphy said it, there was an ultra pretty looking chick at the counter (ok, I have to give it to the Stanchart HR if not their customer support). She was new and she requested that I give her a chance to fix the problem (and probably a chance for her to win like a gold star or something from the manager). In a rare case of brains above balls testosterone, I declined the offer and categorically asked for an account closure.

Here is the funny irritating thing – Stanchart wasn’t too sorry about what they did. In fact the crackheads asked me why I did not come to the bank brach straight instead of calling phone banking. I had 3 things to say:

• F*** you
• Why on earth do you have phone banking then if I need to come over to the branch for stuff like this? My guess is Stanchart runs a call-girl service under the pretext of phone banking.
• I had already been to the bank a week after I opened my account to fix my personal profile. The illiterate retards handling the admin stuff got my email, telephone number, address all wrong, rendering me incapable of even using e-banking. It took them like 2 weeks to fix that. Bank lobbies are not my idea of a lounge and so I don’t like to come over every week for some bloody fault of YOURS.

Ah well, like it happens with most institutions here (and even people), they choose arrogance over dignity and simply charge me 500 bucks for premature closure of account (less than 6 months). My ballsTestosterone overpowered my brain this time and not wanting to create a scene in front of the pretty chick, I simply paid it (I regret it now, honestly, damn women!).

So there it is – my banking experience with Stanchart. 3 months of headache, waste of time, money, and energy – precisely the things a bank is supposed to preserve with its services. Seriously, if you or anyone you know plans to bank with these shitheads at Stanchart please refrain. As I said, it’s probably more convenient to buy a piggy bank and keep money at home than to leave them with these incompetent jerks.

So, except for the pretty girl at the counter (muah!!), shame on you Stanchart, shame on you. All I hope this that you have shitloads of a certain kind of investment that has been in the news recently.