Archive for the ‘interview’ Category

26sep08interview, people, politics
Interview with Raj Thackeray

Welcome once again to the heartATTACK 99 SHOW – the show where you’ll know what some of the famous people really are.

Using our patented solution formula 99 which, when touched, leads to some chemical stuff inside one’s body, we bring out the real side of people!

Last time our guest was Ms Mamta Banerjee. This week, we have another important political figure – Mr Raj Thackeray. This time, we left a copy of “Marathi for Dummies” book dipped in formula 99 at our set entrance. As we expected, he picked it up and started reading immediately. And as expected, the potion started working!

 

Nitesh Welcome to our studio Rajji. You ready for some questions?
Raj Ooohhh. You want to play. Come on!
Nitesh So, describe Raj Thackeray in one sentence.
Raj See, I’m a man of simple tastes. I like dynamite…and gunpowder…and gasoline! Do you know what all of these things have in common? They’re cheap!
Nitesh Erm, right.. wow, seems like the potion is working too well. Well Rajji the HC just labeled you as a terrorist – how do you feel about that?
Raj I’m not. No, I’m not.
Nitesh How can you say that? You send your people to retailers and threaten to beat them up if they don’t change their signboards to Marathi. You guys beat up taxi drivers, make inflammatory statements, create unrest. These are not the signs of a civilized man. These are signs of a monster!
Raj You’ll see, I’ll show you, that when the chips are down, these uh… civilized people, they’ll eat each other. You see, I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve.
Nitesh I won’t say that. You’re not ahead of the curve. You think you are above law and can use violence to ensure the same.
Raj You have all these rules and you think they’ll save you. The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules!
Nitesh Wow! YOU are saying that. You are a politician sir. You should be the shield that protects the law, not the knife that scars it!
Raj So you wanna know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the… little… emotions. In… you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are.
Nitesh That was not my question. I don’t care which weapon you use. I mean to say what you are doing is equivalent to terrorism. You impose your antiquated ideologies on people by force just like terrorists do.
Raj You just couldn’t let me go could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You truly are incorruptible aren’t you?
Nitesh You are not answering my question Rajji. Tell me, why are you doing this? Why do you insist people in Mumbai speak in Marathi? Why should filmstars not show any kind of allegiance to their home states? Why should the non-Marathis leave Maharashtra? The constitution has given us the right to live where ever we want and speak the language we want. You are simply using regional attachments to divide people. That’s your masterplan, isn’t it?
Raj Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just do things.
Nitesh Stop kidding me Rajji. You have been blowing the horns for using only Marathi in Mumbai to gain political foothold, like Karunanidhi did in Tamil Nadu by banning Hindi altogether.
Raj Ah ta ta ta, let’s not *blow* things out of proportion.
Nitesh I’m not. It’s politicians like you that are dividing the country. You mobilize the jobless, unemployed youth and make use of its lack of self-esteem to carry out seemingly ego-boosting tasks like beating people up, destroying public property, burning effigies, all under the pretext of saving the culture!
Raj Y’see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little…push.
Nitesh I wish I could kill you. Is that what you believe in? Really?
Raj I believe whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you… stranger.
Nitesh What the f*** are you talking Rajji. Let’s get serious!
Raj WHY SO SERIOUS?

 

 

Just as he said this, Rajji took out his purse (I knew he was gay) and smeared his face with white powder. He then took out his lipstick and in an almost devilish (what else do you expect) way, wore the bright red lipstick all around his lips. Before I could understand what was happening, he took out his Kaajal and made panda eyes with it. Epiphany!!!!! OMG OMG!!! RAJ Thackeray IS THE JOKER

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15sep08interview, people
Interview with Mamta Banerjee

Welcome one and all to the heartATTACK 99 SHOW – a show where you’ll know what some of the famous people really are.

How do we do so? Well, we have developed a potion called formula 99 which, when touched, leads to some chemical stuff inside one’s body. This chemical stuff brings out the real side of people and forces them to speak the truth! This is a scientific breakthrough.

This week our guest is Ms Mamta Banerjee. We left a 1 rupee coin dipped in formula 99 at our set entrance. As we expected, she picked it up and kept it with her. And as expected, the potion started working!

Nitesh Welcome to our studio Mamtaji. How are you!!
Mamta I yam very happy. Looks like Tata is going to be out of West Bengal. We have won!
Nitesh But why are you against the Nano anyway?
Mamta You have no idea what a big scam this Nano is. The other day I was at this computer store to buy wires for the electric shock machine I need to use as part of treatment for some minor ailments. There I saw the Nano. That thing is even smaller than my brain. How are you going to fit 4 people in that thing? It has no wheels!! How will it run? This is one big scam.    

What this also shows is that Tata has been secretly manufacturing the Nano somewhere else without telling us. That’s a betrayal.
Nitesh Erm.. Mamtaji, that was not the Tata Nano that you saw. That was Apple iPod Nano, an MP3 player. Same name but a different product altogether – Just like Gulab Jamun and Kala Jamun are 2 different things.
Mamta MP3 player? I have never heard of any sport called MP3 so how can there be a player? You young people think we old people are stupid.
Nitesh No Mamtaji, I don’t judge a book by its cover. What you saw was a music player. Let me show it to you…     

[I take out my iPod Nano and play Kanta Laga]
Mamta [Relishing the song] This is goooood. You mean this is something else, not the Tata Nano? Hmm.. Well.. if that is the case then we will now protest against Tata for lowering the dignity of India by copying names from American products. I am sure the world is laughing at us while saying – “Look, India thinks America is better!” It is an insult to the whole country.
Nitesh But Mamtaji, the car was very well received around the world. It was on primetime news on channels everywhere. This is a huge project for the country!
Mamta You can’t fool me smarty pants. I watch international news too. I have never seen them mention Nano!
Nitesh Which international news channel do you watch ma’am?
Mamta Pogo ..!
Nitesh Errrr..right, well.. back to the point of protest, I was under the impression that you were protesting against the lack of proper compensation for the farmers whose lands were acquired for the factory. I even got 20,000 email forwards crying out the same.
Mamta Of course of course there was that too.. I almost forgot. Our party cares for the farmers.. All Tata was doing was to pay the farmers more than the market price. This is not enough. We want more!
Nitesh What more do you want?
Mamta We don’t know yet. We thought about asking for free Tata Sky connections for every hut, but then decided against it because we thought the dish won’t match the hut architecture. We are now contemplating complementary stay at the Taj for all farmers.
Nitesh Wow.. good to see that you know exactly what the poor farmers want. But what puzzles me is that since you have not decided on what to ask for, what did you and Ratan Tata discuss in the meeting the other day that was not so fruitful?
Mamta [Slightly emotional] As compensation, I wanted Ratan Tata to marry me. I wanted to take care of his children Tito and Tango.. weird names I must say.
Nitesh What did he say?
Mamta [Weeping] He said that though I fit the bill for the mother of Tito and Tango perfectly, he cannot marry me. I thanked him for the compliment but was heartbroken.
Nitesh Erm, don’t you know that he is a bachelor and Tito and Tango are actually German..
Mamta [Interrupting] Please shut up.. I am a modern girl. I am ok with pre-marital affairs and children out of wedlock. Everyone has them these days. I am not old in my thinking. I am quite modern!
Nitesh Ok ok.. well you say you are modern! But then you also said that the jobs created as a result of the factory will be much less than the jobs lost. Now I don’t think that is modern thinking at all. Over a period of time, there will actually be more employment. And even in the short run, don’t you think it is better for a family to have 1 man making 50 rupees a day than 4 men making 10 each?
Mamta Niteshji, unlike me, you don’t do your research properly. When did we say the jobs lost will be of our farmers? See boy, we are a party for the poor. If poor people start progressing, what will happen to our party people? They’ll be out of jobs. We can’t let anyone destroy poverty like that and take our jobs away.
Nitesh Well, sorry for my lack of research! There is also an accusation against you that you purposely chose to create a racket last minute so that Tata has no choice but to accept your demands.. something like asking for dowry AT the wedding ceremony.
Mamta Niteshji, I went to the store just a month back. I can’t help it if I did not need the wires earlier! What do you expect me to do? Go around the market everyday looking for evidence? Why are you asking me such unreasonable and such unresearched questions?
Nitesh Mamtaji, don’t be angry. All right all right, I have been asking you some very difficult questions. Now I won’t be mean and compliment you that I am very proud of you for fasting for so many days. How did you manage to do that?
Mamta Hehe.. thank you thank you. Well it is easy. I had like 12 servings of my favorite food the day before. It’s real high energy food. Once you have so much of it, you won’t need to eat for many days.
Nitesh What food is that? Fish and rice?
Mamta Naah, that’s for old people. I love to eat Royal Canine Milk and Meat. You should try it too. In fact you should get your whole family to eat it.
Nitesh Erm.. Mamtaji, there is someone in my house that eats Royal Canine Milk and Meat, but I don’t think it is meant for my whole family.. I mean Royal Canine, afterall, is …
Mamta …expensive. Yes I know it is. You are not as rich as I am. Maybe some day you will be. Tell you what, join us, you’ll be rich in no time.
Nitesh Thanks for the offer Mamtaji, but let’s go back to the point – now companies like DLF, Satyam, and Infosys have expressed a desire to cancel all future plans in West Bengal because of the ruckus created by you people over Nano. Don’t you think you should concede here to not impede Bengal’s progress?
Mamta Well I want to assure all these companies that Bengal is safe for them as long as they don’t intend to eradicate poverty. As for conceding now, we can’t do that. It’s an ego issue. But well, we Bengalis are very forgiving people. If Tata wants to come back to setup a factory for their other new car, what’s the name.. er.. yeah, Indica Vista, we can consider their case again.
Nitesh Indica VISTA.. ahem.. well I don’t think Tata will want to come back, but if they are foolish enough to do so, I ask of you to please stay off computer stores this time..!!

 

 

So well my friends, I hope my interview showed the real Mamta Banerjee.. y’see, she is so not the BITCH everyone else thinks she is!! Tune in next week or whenever someone is stupid enough to come to our studio for an interview. Till then goodbye..

Nitesh [unwaware that the camera is still rolling] O’ right Mamtaji, show’s over. I can play frisbee with you now.

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