heartattack

Hello People

Today, Mayawati, the Chief Minister of UP, celebrates her birthday.

Last year, Mayawati’s men murdered an engineer, Manoj Gupta, because Manoj did not want to contribute 500,000 rupees for Maya’s birthday celebration fund. Before he was killed, Maya’s henchmen pulled his hair out, gave him electric shocks, broke his bones, and burnt him with cigarettes (link to news story). I wonder if it was his money or his blood that they needed for the birthday bash.

The news stayed in the media for a little bit but eventually no one was convicted for this savagery. Shekhar Tiwari, the chief perpetrator of the crime, is in custody but is yet to be convicted. Last thing I know about him is that he was requesting a bail in October. CBI wanted to probe this issue further, but Maya did not let the CBI in, probably fearing the opening of a bigger can of worms.

So, repeat after me as I make this plea to Maya on her birthday this year:

Maya, last year you spent 20 billion rupees on your statues when half the state was languishing in droughts. In one case, you got a 70 million rupee statue redone because you did not like its face (can’t really blame the sculptor, can we?) and because you suddenly decided that the statue needed to hold a handbag. A few hundred thousands should be like pocket change for you!

I sincerely hope that the money ‘pocketed’ by you and your men from this project will obviate the need to torture innocent citizens for this pocket change. And if my suspicion is right and it is actually the blood of these people that you desire, then just look carefully at your statues. You’ll see that they are smeared in blood of the people who could have been saved by the monies allocated to your insatiable vanity.

So slay no more, please?

Dear Mr Muthalik

On behalf of all Indians who are proud of their culture, I hereby offer you my heartfelt thanks for preserving the dignity of our culture that has slowly but surely been erorded by the pollution of western ideas.

Valentine’s day is a poison that mustn’t be allowed to kill the morals of our society. People believe you are being an orthodox extremist pig by opposing the day. I am a youth of the contemporary Indian society and I tell you sir that you’re not an orthodox extremist. I myself find Valentine’s day highly vulgar – roses, teddies, and heart shaped balloons are the epitome of sleaze. God save our souls from such bad influence.

I totally agree with your stand that dating is not in our culture. I fully support your move to marry off any couple found cozying up on Valentine’s Day. The youth of today needs to look at the love stories of our culture and mythology and not the west. The greatest love story of our culture is that of Lord Krishna and Radha. They should use that as an example. Lord Krishna and Radhaji never dated, did they? They never held hands in a garden or sang love songs! I’m 100% sure Radhaji and Lord Krishna married the moment they fell in love, which was when they just got out of their strollers. Look at the kids of today – want to date, sing love songs, sigh!

Some people have accused your people of hippocrisy and simple sexual frustration. They say your Ram Sene members care little about the Indian culture and want to disrupt Valentine’s day just because they cannot get a girlfriend themselves. I disagree sir. Your guys may have missed the last stage of human evolution, but I can see the passion for Indian culture in their eyes. So what if they smoke and throw bidi/cigarette butts on the road or destroy the country’s property. They never claimed they loved India, did they? They are simply preserving the culture. Manners and respect for public property is definitely not a part of culture.

I’m going to keep this letter short sir. English is a western language and so I guess you won’t be able to understand a long letter. I’ll end with just a simple request on behalf of all the well wishers of Indian culture.

Valentine’s Day is just one of the many western products that have influenced our culture. Hitting it alone is not enough sir. We need to campaign against other products too. You seem to be my only hope.

I request you to campaign against cricket, cinema, english, computers, phones, electricity, automobiles, non-ayurvedic treatments like smallpox vaccine, and even democracy. All these western influences have totally messed up our people and diluted the Indian culture. 

Sir, we need to take the fight to the next level and remove ALL, I repeat, ALL the western influences from our culture. Then we can live our dream of an ideal India – an India ruled by a king with a well organized caste system; an India where women have to burn themselves alive on the funeral pyre of her husband, her rightful end; an India where there is no electricity; an India where people ride bullocks and horses only; an India where millions of people die of infections, smallpox, and polio.

Together we can make it happen sir. Let me know how I can help.

With love regards

Nitesh

Image source: The Hindu (link)

A couple of months ago, I saw this film Being John Malkovich. The film is the pinnacle of fiction. It is about a guy who finds a tunnel to the conscience of a major filmstar – John Malkovich. You crawl through the tunnel and you end up inside Malkovich’s head for like 15 minutes. Quite imaginative.

After the film, I asked myself the obvious question – if I could be someone else for 15 minutes, who would it be? Among the many people that I shortlisted, one of them being Brad Pitt, especially when he’s home at night, I had in the list SACHIN TENDULKAR. 

Why Sachin Tendulkar? For his talent? Popularity? Money? Success? Nope! I want to be Sachin Tendulkar because I want to know what it feels like to be a superhero.

Why do I think Sachin Tendulkar is a superhero? Surely not because of his 12,000 test runs, a record he made just yesterday, or his 39 test centuries. I’m sure Ricky Ponting will eclipse both records some day. Superheroes cannot be judged by statistics. No one knows how many baddies Superman killed. But Superman is a superhero because we know that he’ll come to the rescue when the baddies arrive. It is for the same reason that Sachin Tendulkar is a superhero.

Every time he goes on to bat, the whole of India, if not the whole world that watches cricket, cheers, as if a gladiator has walked into an arena full of hungry tigers. The pious ones pray to God. The more pious ones put vermillion on the television screen (not kidding). The hysterical ones watch every ball he faces from behind a pillow bunker as if their eyes shot rays of misfortune that’ll go through the TV screen and bowl Sachin out. No matter what the opposition does, as long as Sachin is out there, there’s hope India can still win, even if it is mathematically impossible. Sachin is a superhero – he can even bend the rules of mathematics and take India to victory. Heck, Sachin can bend light.

The last bit my friends is what makes Sachin Tendulkar a superhero – not his money, records, or popularity – it’s the hopes that he carries – the hopes of 20% of the world’s population. My guess is all other superheroes combined don’t have the burden of so many hopes, even if I account for the population of planet Krypton.

I wonder how this man can stand straight with so much on his shoulders. I wonder how he can afford to whack a 150 kmph Shoiab Akhtar ball in the air, well knowing that if he got out, he’ll break more hearts than Aishwarya Rai did when she married that moron. Probably that makes him a superhero – faith in his powers. Spiderman doesn’t fear that his web would snap – he just keeps somersaulting. Batman doesn’t fear that his Batmobile is gonna crash while chasing baddies at 200 miles an hour. They both have faith in their abilities, much like Sachin has. 

It is easy to criticize Sachin Tendulkar by citing his less than heroic 4th innings average, or his dismal average against big oppositions when chasing big scores – often the best indicators of a player’s dependability. It is also easy to quote the performance of Ponting, Hayden, Hussey, Sangakkara, or Pietersen, and show how they are better. But it simply does not matter. This is not about proving that he is the best. He may or may not be. Remember Neo? The superhero from The Matrix? He was a superhero even before he killed a single agent. Why? Because people believed that he was their savior. With Sachin, it’s the same. He may not have rescued India as often as a player of his talent should have, but people BELIEVE that he is the savior, the superhero. It’s a question of perception. Sachin Tendulkar is a figure above logic.

So back to where I started – I really want to know what it feels like to be Sachin Tendulkar – walking into a stadium with chants of “Sachin, Sachin.” What it feels like to hit a six or score a century in front of such a crowd. Also, I want to know how it feels like getting out cheaply in that stadium? Does it feel worse than watching Serena Williams in skimpy outfits? Worse than spending 5 minutes with an iPhone fanboy? Worse than Mayawati’s face?

All I want is my tunnel. Sachin, I’m sure, can make this tunnel too.

Welcome once again to the heartATTACK 99 SHOW – the show where you’ll know what some of the famous people really are.

Using our patented solution formula 99 which, when touched, leads to some chemical stuff inside one’s body, we bring out the real side of people!

Last time our guest was Ms Mamta Banerjee. This week, we have another important political figure – Mr Raj Thackeray. This time, we left a copy of “Marathi for Dummies” book dipped in formula 99 at our set entrance. As we expected, he picked it up and started reading immediately. And as expected, the potion started working!

Just as he said this, Rajji took out his purse (I knew he was gay) and smeared his face with white powder. He then took out his lipstick and in an almost devilish (what else do you expect) way, wore the bright red lipstick all around his lips. Before I could understand what was happening, he took out his Kaajal and made panda eyes with it. Epiphany!!!!! OMG OMG!!! RAJ Thackeray IS THE JOKER

Welcome one and all to the heartATTACK 99 SHOW – a show where you’ll know what some of the famous people really are.

How do we do so? Well, we have developed a potion called formula 99 which, when touched, leads to some chemical stuff inside one’s body. This chemical stuff brings out the real side of people and forces them to speak the truth! This is a scientific breakthrough.

This week our guest is Ms Mamta Banerjee. We left a 1 rupee coin dipped in formula 99 at our set entrance. As we expected, she picked it up and kept it with her. And as expected, the potion started working!

So well my friends, I hope my interview showed the real Mamta Banerjee.. y’see, she is so not the BITCH everyone else thinks she is!! Tune in next week or whenever someone is stupid enough to come to our studio for an interview. Till then goodbye..